Unknown

Why do we fear the unknown.

I fear the unknown. I'm scared of the uncertainty of the future. The fragile hope that I hold on to which can be crushed by words or events that are beyond my control.

Why do I have to wait? Oh... I know why. However, will it be worth it.

It always sways me from happy to hopeless; from hopeful to depressed. Why bother?

I wish I had someone to talk to sometimes. Then I remember, why not this blog? So, here I am.

Many things happens in my life. Dreams can be started, developed and totally crush in a short span of a few days. With such an amazing imagination, it is only a matter of time before I have a complete breakdown.

Everyday, people interact with me. They are talks and silences. Sometimes even laughter. But, when the day ends, I realized I have nobody to turn to. Yeah, you read it right, nobody. Surprisingly, I got used to this.

I got used to not talking about what I feel. I got used to keep all my feelings bottled up. In hope that, if I'm lucky enough, all that bothers me will eventually go away.

As I grow older (I'm only 19, but I feel like it has been at least 30 years), everyone around me will have found their dreams to strive towards to, significant other to impress and woo. I just feel that I am lagging behind the pack, it feels that everyone around me is too focused on their goals for them to realize that I have fallen behind.

This reminds me of a snorkeling trip that I had very recently. Unlike a few of my friends, I am not so competent in travelling in water. As a result, I will always be behind them, struggling and barely keeping up to them. That situation will never get out of my head.

It feels like what I'm feeling now. No one around me. Just me floating around a big blue ocean and only a few that are swimming towards the horizon in front of me, not even looking back.

Anyways, all these bottled up feelings, I feel as though they have been trapped enough. They just want to be poured out, to be heard. Unfortunately, I'm the kind of person who don't just go around telling everyone how I feel. It's funny because I'm like that, my friends eventually won't expect me to say anything to them, hence they won't even bother asking.

So many things happening at once and I don't think I can keep up physically, mentally and emotionally anymore.

Too Tired

Nope... Not because I'm a bicycle. But because there isn't any energy or reasons for me to continue on.

Why bother with it? Why even care? In the end, when everything is settled, everyone will be gone.

There is no chance that people will stick together forever. No such thing as the so called "BFF" (Best Friends Forever).

Why? Because humans embrace change. They don't like consistency or boring-ness. Though we all grumble and complain when things are changed, but we will get used to it in a blink of an eye.

For example, the changes in Facebook and YouTube layouts. They made a couple of changes ever since the website was introduced to the public. Not just minor changes but MAJOR ones that completely seem foreign to us at first sight. How does the public initially react to this? They pour our they hate in the form of complains towards the company or whoever designed the layout. From the slightest detail to the whole layout, there is nothing that they will agree that they like.

Then what happens? They continue on with life using these websites. Why? Because deep down they know that no matter how much they complain, the change will eventually become part of their lives. The moment when they realize that their complains are just like a baby punching a wall hoping the entire will budge, they will give up and move on.

There is absolutely no reasons for people to NOT embrace change. Changes in life are bound to happen whether we like it or not. It's call life. And life will consists of many stages of life where we meet new people and forget old ones. Yes, sometimes in a new stage of life we still stick with our old friends, but how many stages will they last?

A few more stages and they are probably going to be somebody that you had spent great times with; someone that you thought would be your BFF; someone that you thought you couldn't live without.

In the end, all that is left in a friendships are painful memories to remind us of all the things that define happiness to us at that point of our life. Nothing more. More friendships, more memories, more things to pain ourselves with.

We are humans. We move on. We adapt to change.

Logic vs Love

A few months ago I went for a camp known as the BGR camp. BGR a short form for Boy-Girl Relationship. Their main focus was homosexuality but that isn't my focus today but one of the workshops I attended.

In that workshop, the person teaching told a story which I find intriguing.

In that story is obviously a boy and a girl.

They were close friends. So close that in the end, they started to see each other as more than just friends. They spent most of their times together studying and other activities. A day not spent together would feel weird for both parties. However, they didn't start a new relationship with each other. Why?

The boy was logical enough to think about their future. Knowing that they were still in college and both of them had a high chance of leaving the country to separate places to study after college. Hence, nothing much happened between them although their friends started teasing them.

That's what I mean by Logic vs Love.

What happens when Logic conflicts with Love? When Logic prevents you from declaring your Love to the person you think is meant to be with you, which you think is your other half and completes you?

For some, they would just succumb to Love and start dating. Like what I witnessed throughout my high school years and now that I'm in college this is more common. Are they really meant for each other? Or is this just another regular person of the opposite gender who was meant to just pass by in your life?

I would like to take sometime to talk about what dating is.

From what I have seen from high school, the successful dating rate is next to zero. What I mean by successful is that they both get married, have kids, live happily ever after. And I am not surprised due to the fact that they are too young and have perceived dating to be just a normal thing.

Dating.... What is it?
It is just two people just becoming more than friends and enjoying some extra privilege than just friends? A sneak peek of what marriage will be? And if both of them don't feel that they are right for each other they can just simply "call it off"? Or is there more?

Well, from what I understand, the world has define dating completely in the wrong way. It is not just a status that you show off to other people. It is not to boast about how many things you did together.

Starting a relationship is crucial. And the preparations of it must be done properly before that particular individual should think of dating someone.

Whenever you have some big event in your life, you would start preparing as early as possible to ensure that when the time comes you won't be completely caught off guard. This is why the successful rate of dating is so low. People nowadays think they can just do trial and error and until things work out then they have found their significant half. That's not how it works.

Preparations have to be made.

And I'm talking about long-term preparations. It's thinking about how you want your family to be in the future. Who you want your wife to be? Who you want yourself to be?

A family where the husband constantly plays computer games/watch television/goes out with friends? The wife goes out shopping for clothes/dresses? In the end, they are just 2 people which are bounded by a certificate saying that they are married. Divorce rate is rising because more and more people do not take marriage seriously.

And I can do nothing but to blame it on the guys. A long time ago, I used to blame the female population for what is happening in society. They keep fighting for equality and as a result, no one is left at home to take care of children. Not just that, they also dress up with more and more revealing clothes. They have this insatiable hunger to buy new things. From lipsticks to nail polish. They will never be satisfied. But, as I thought deeper, I found the real cause of these problems. It is men.

Men always seek out the wrong beauty in women. The outer beauty. They neglect what truly makes a women great - virtue. As a result, the women that knows how to dress attractively, regardless of whether they will be great spouse or mother in the future, will be loved by many.

Inner beauty is the only thing that lasts and that should be what men should be looking for.

Depressing.

I secretly wished the world had ended.

Why?

Not because of the upcoming stressful exam which is 15 days away.

But, because there is no point to living such a long life. Caught in the rat race and not being able to pull out for this race that I was forced to participate.

The race that everybody has to run. Regardless of whether you are fit to run it. Regardless whether you have the right attire/gear for running. YOU MUST RUN!

No looking left to right. No time for that. We have to run to compete against others that are also caught in this meaningless race.

Random

Sometimes I wished I was different than who I am. I wish I was somebody else.

Sometimes I'm just not contented to who I am right now. And just sitting here thinking of all the past things that has led to this day. It truly amazes me how random events in my life just falls together to form the picture I'm seeing today.

It's just crazy to think about it.

Without the past me, there won't be a present me.

And yet I'm unsatisfied with some aspects of my life which I can't change.

BLUEREDGREENYELLOWPINKINDIGO~

Bye!~

P.A.I.N.

Sometimes the choices made by myself seems so foolish and yet I don't do it because it is too worldly.

I just wish things could be better and it at least feel better. But the fact is, it will only get worse. And the end may not be covered in rose petals.

I really hoped that things didn't turn out the way it is now. But, who am I kidding? Everybody moves on.

Time and tide waits for no man. I think that's the inconvenient truth that we all must face.

Everything happening simultaneously and yet nothing seems to be happening.

"Pouring everything I had,

Alas! All of my efforts was in vain. 

I never thought it would be this bad, 

Nonetheless, I walk alone in the rain."

Only Time Can Tell.

What are we to do when we can't even be certain if we can wake up the next morning?

What is the purpose of planning if we can't even grasp the future fully?

Setting goals is fine... But having to plan something so specifically just boggles my mind.

If we plan... There will bound to have disappointments, because by planning we expect things to go the way we imagine and plan it to be.
Who knows a psychopath can appear suddenly and poof.... your plan will be interrupted by a trip to the cemetery....

So, don't strive too hard in planning. In the end of the day, it's just a gameplan that is written on paper. There is no certainty that everything will go according to our plan.

Why is setting goals fine?
In my opinion, setting goals is different than coming up with a plan. Though they are connected. Without a goal, the plan will be useless. Hence, I think setting the goal is more of a realistic approach to deal with the future.

If we have a goal or something to strive for, even if something comes up, we can still get back on our feet and continue to work for the goal.
If we planned it instead.. if anything happens, it may jeopardize our following plans.

Anyways, this is just my opinion. Planning vs Setting goals.
:D